"Lost" Lists, part 1

Note: If you’re not a “Lost” fan, absolutely none of this will make sense to you, and I would encourage you not to bother. If you are a “Lost” fan, but you’re not caught up yet, I would implore you not to read any of these lists until you’re caught up. Spoilers abound.

I’m done. For about a week.

When I wrote these words, I had just finished watching “The Incident, Part 2,” otherwise known as the season finale of the penultimate season of “Lost.” Since this summer, I’ve been rewatching every episode in order to beef up on the mythology and chronology of the show before it begins its final season next week. However, I also had an ulterior motive.

The other thing I decided this summer about “Lost” is that I would write a very long article made up of lists about the best/worst things in the “Lost” universe. Recently, I’ve decided to split it up into six different lists, the first one of which is below. I will be posting the other five installments as the week continues, although one or two of them might appear on GooseRadio instead (check out my first article for that site here).

First, however, a more proper introduction.

I’ve been a “Lost” fan for about a year, much less than some of my more dedicated friends. However, I’ve become convinced that the story the creators are weaving is truly a great one, and it was very rewarding to rewatch all 100+ episodes knowing, to a certain extent, the context in which those episodes were placed. The first time around, you see, you don’t know what’s coming up next, which is fun but confusing. The second time, you can see what the writers were up to from the start, and it (mostly) starts to make sense. “Meet Kevin Johnson” aside, the nearly flawless continuity they’ve managed to keep is astounding for a show of this scope. The writing and characterization are excellent as well.

That being said, it’s impossible for a TV show of this length to not have at least a few bad parts. Even “Arrested Development” came up with “Ready, Aim, Marry Me.” These lists will have something of a fun look at the lamer elements of “Lost,” right along with all the good bits. In fact, that’s where this first installment of “Lost” Lists begins…

"Lost’s" Top Five Most Overused Clichés

Lost generally has great writing, but an obsession with “themes” can go a little too far when you hear the same old tune over and over again. Here are the worst.

5. “When the hell are we?” jokes

The only thing keeping this entry from being higher on the list is that it mercifully only went on for six episodes (season five, episodes 1-5, 7). However, those six episodes sure had some cringe-worthy moments: 10, in fact. That’s right. The first half of season five made a joke akin to “when are we?” or “where are we in time?” or “where the hell are we? We don’t even know when the hell we are!” an average of 1 2/3 times every episode, otherwise known as Tim Allen’s grunt ratio on “Home Improvement.”

OK, guys, we get it. It was a groan-worthy but also silly-grin-worthy joke the first time, but only the first time. The second time just made us think, “I hope they don’t make this into a thing,” the third, “Oh no, they’re making it a thing,” and beyond, “OH MY GOODNESS I HOPE THE SMOKE MONSTER JUDGES YOU ALL.” The time jump episodes (“This Place Is Death” excluded) are not some of “Lost’s” best fare to begin with; constantly referencing what is going on onscreen with a joke that you obviously think is super clever just makes things worse.

4. The Island telling people (OK, mostly just Locke) to do things

I understand that this is part of the mythology of the show, but at times it’s just become a catch-all for any otherwise unexplained action taken by everyone’s favorite balding crybaby. It’s often lazy, and it (along with the next item on my list) kind of makes hate Locke just a bit more.

The mythology argument is also becoming a little tenuous now that Jacob is on the scene. Is he the person Locke originally thought was The Island, or does The Island still function as its own entity? I originally thought the former, but the un-Locke once again references chit-chatting it up with the mysterious jungle-clad rock.

3. “Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do!”

OK, Locke, sure, I’ll just tell you what you can do: shut the hell up. Before I go on, I should note that I think Terry O’Quinn is a great actor, including his stint on “Lost.” I did become infuriated with him starting midway through season three, but that’s how you’re supposed to feel about him if you’re in the slightly saner Jack camp. He has imbued the character with a lot of pathos, and I admire that.

What I don’t admire is that the writers think that he can assert his constant need for independence in only three ways: breaking kitchenware when Ben questions him, hating wheelchairs and that stupid line. The first one is OK because it doesn’t happen very often, and the second one works because, again, O’Quinn is so good at his craft, but the oft-exclaimed line is the second most annoying thing to come out of a “Lost” character’s mouth on a regular basis. It’s petulant and whiny for one, which is a bit more forgivable because it’s supposed to be that way, but it’s also about as repetitive as the “when are we” jokes, except that it spans the entire length of the show.

2. “Live Together, Die Alone”

This is the line that beats out Locke’s. I know the original speech in which this appears is supposed to be a watershed moment for the survivors, but I found the expression a bit trite even then. The writers, however, seem enamored with it, which is highly unfortunate.

Like “The Island made me do it,” the phrase has become an excuse to make characters do things without actually giving them motivation. In short, I wish Rose had followed through when she threatened to sock Jack if he used the phrase again.

1. Daddy Issues

All right, all right. I have a confession to make. This one is overused so much that it’s kind of endearing. Let’s take a look see at every main character from the first five seasons and find out how many of them have had problems with one or both of their parents which have been implied to affect the character in a significant way.

Jack – The Classic. Can’t win his dad’s approval. Poor baby.
Kate – Killed who she thought was her stepdad but who was actually her real dad. Mom hates her for this.
Sawyer – Dad killed self, mom. Shapes his whole life around revenge.
Hurley – Dad abandoned him and only came back when he got rich. Suspects that he’s only in it for the money.
Locke – Mom insane, put him up for foster care. Dad (among other things) steals his kidney and pushes him out of a window with intent to kill.
Jin – Mom’s a prostitute, ashamed of fisherdad.
Sun – Dad is a conniving, controlling mobster/businessman.
Claire – Absentee, adulterous dad, mom in a coma because of an accident that may have been Claire’s fault.
Ben – Mom died in childbirth and then haunts him on the island. Dad is an alcoholic, abusive jerk.
Juliet – Parents divorced, caused her to disbelieve in relational permanence.
Walt – Mom died suddenly, dad doesn’t know how to be a father and also killed two people.
Shannon – She more has “brother issues” than anything else, but her dad died in a car accident and her stepmom is withholding and condescending.
Ana Lucia – Her mom suspects her (rightly) of committing murder, and she mingles personal concerns with on the job ones.
Daniel – His mom is withholding, controlling, rude, and, oh yeah, she knowingly sends him to his death by her own hand in the past (only on “Lost,” ladies and gentlemen). Also, his dad is probably Charles Widmore, which could open up a whole new realm of problems.
Miles – Secretive mom, absentee dad who really did love him, but Miles doesn’t know that until he goes back in time and hangs out with him while occasionally seeing his baby self.

That’s quite a list. The main characters who don’t make it are Charlie, Michael, Sayid, Desmond, Boone, Eko, Charlotte, Libby, Nicki and Paulo, and of those, it is at least briefly implied that Sayid, Michael and Charlie could have parental troubles. Of the remaining characters, there is only one character whose parent is even seen on the show. This means that, out of the 25 main characters that have appeared on “Lost” so far, Boone is the only one who is absolutely confirmed to have a non-crippling relationship with those who bore him.

I don’t actually mind this too much because it’s so widespread that it’s almost endearing, but man, what happened to Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof when they were little?

OK, next list.

“Lost’s” Top Five Deaths

“Lost” is a show in which death is an expected – if not always welcomed – thing, and it’s something that has both endeared people to the show (“it’s so daring and story-driven!”) and made them fly into fits of rage (“how dare they! [Name] was my favorite character!”). Of the 25 main characters so far (a number that will soon swell to 28 with season six’s addition of Richard, Ilana and Frank), only 12 have survived up to this point, and that’s only if both Juliet and Sayid make it out of The Incident alive (my bet is that Sayid will and Juliet won’t). Death is something that the writers are good at portraying, and many of the most poignant moments on the show come when a beloved character passes on. Here are five of the best, followed by three of the worst.

5. Frank Duckett
Death Episode: “Outlaws”

Even though he is featured in one of the worst “Lost” episodes of all time (but we’ll save that for another list), Frank’s mistaken-identity murder by Sawyer is still quite sad, and it gives us deeper perspective into the put-on tough guy persona of our beloved con man. The only thing that could make Mr. Duckett’s demise any better was if ominously-whispered “It’ll come back around” didn’t end up meaning “Sawyer, a boar is going to mess up your tent.”

4. Michael Dawson
Death Episode: “There’s No Place Like Home, Part 3”

I’ve always had a soft spot for Michael, even if the constant strains of “WAAAAALT” get on my nerves every now and then. Harold Perrineau always infuses his performance with believability and relatability, which is saying something when you play a new dad out-of-work architect who kills two people and then magically fails to commit suicide several times.

Speaking of which, it is the guilt Michael feels over killing Ana Lucia and Libby and the anguish over the estrangement from his son that really gives emotional weight to his almost-but-not-quite redemptive death. I know that the writers’ strike curtailed what was to be a more heroic final bow for Michael, but I still like the way the writers played it.

3. Ana Lucia and Libby
Death Episode: “Two For The Road” and “?”

Neither of these characters were particularly great (particularly not Ana Lucia, who I was kind of excited to see shuffle off the mortal coil), but the drama they gave Michael was excellent, and the surprise twist toward the end of the season combined with the introduction of Ben to inject new life into the show. There have been better twists on the show since then, but few have been more jarring and out-and-out surprising.

2. Daniel Faraday
Death Episode: “The Variable”

I was very sad and a little angry when this happened, as Faraday had been one of my favorite characters since his introduction and the writers killed him right as he got back from a several-episode hiatus. However, you can’t deny the dramatic setup and impact; while Faraday’s insistence on rejecting his “Whatever happened, happened” philosophy seems a bit out of character, every flashback scene with his mother was brilliantly paced, and the look of realization on the poor physicist’s face before he goes to the big mouse maze in the sky is just heartbreaking.

1. Charlie Pace
Death Episode: “Through The Looking Glass”

C’mon. You knew this was coming, didn’t you?

Charlie may have stopped breathing in the season three finale, but he was already dying 18 episodes earlier, when Desmond sets up the lightning rod in “Flashes Before Your Eyes.” The writers proceeded to toy with our emotions all season long, and it was gutsy of them to eventually follow through with the death of the rock star, by far the biggest fan favorite to be offed so far (well, besides Locke, but that’s different).

There were moments of tension, like Desmond’s decision to take Charlie on a trip that he knew could have ended in an arrow to the neck, and there were moments of poignancy, like the flashbacks of “Greatest Hits” and the developing relationship with Claire. However, the unquestionably best part of Charlie’s demise was the bravery with which he finally decides to pass on. The “Not Penny’s Boat” shot followed by the final sign of the cross may end up being the show’s most iconic moment.

Now, on a more negative note:

“Lost’s Three Worst Deaths

3. Shannon Rutherford
Death Episode: “Abandoned”

Legions of Shannon haters may disagree, but I’ll be quick to point out that the bikini-clad whiner had gotten considerably less annoying since her debut, making her one of the only main characters in the five season run to show considerable character progression. Besides that, her death makes her kind of pointless to the show, as the only thing she had ever contributed to the plot was knowing a little bit of French, an ability the writers could have easily given to another character. Her death didn’t even mean that much to Sayid, as he had already gotten over her by the middle of season two (you almost forget about their relationship sometimes, don’t you?).

Lastly, the ensuing chaos of her death meant that we forgot all about what caused her to die in the first place: trippy, backwards-speaking and still unexplained visions of a dripping wet Walt. What is up with that?

2. Matthew Abaddon
Death Episode: “The Life And Death Of Jeremy Bentham”

Nowhere else on “Lost” has a character been so built up only to end as an uninteresting footnote. Abaddon was creepy and always interesting in his sparse moments of screen time, and then, just as you think you’re about to find out more about what he actually does, he’s abruptly and unceremoniously shot by Ben, never to be heard from again. For heaven’s sake, the revelation that he is working with Naomi is treated like some sort of major plot point when it’s revealed, but no. Apparently he’s just a creepy dude who runs errands for Widmore. Lame.

1. Danielle Rousseau
Death Episode: “Meet Kevin Johnson”

This was another “too soon” death moment. Rousseau’s hunt for Alex had been one of the longest running plot points on the show. Then, when the two are finally reunited at the end of season three, she’s virtually ignored, only to be shot in season four as the second in a series of a character killing spree (Carl died moments before she did, and Alex was killed in the next episode).

Even though her quest was completed, the writers never brought closure to it, and they even wasted what could have been a look of fantastic regret as the dying Danielle realizes that, after all these years, it was all for naught. Instead, she just keels over. What a waste.

Look for more “Lost” lists as the week progresses!